Ow.What are you doing?
What do you mean,what am I doing? I'm playing footsie
Ok,footsie would imply something cute and playful
You're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail
Well,it¡¯s fun.I it¡¯s frisky and..
might I even say,a little naughty
Ok.No offense,but if you're trying to get things started here,
your feet probably shouldn't be playing a role
I mean,you want me thinking about sex,right?
Not "how do I escape this razor-clawed creature from the forest."
All right I it¡¯s just that,you know..
-it's been a few weeks,and- -what ?!
No.No,what about the day that I came home from the market
after discovering that they now make sloppy Joes in a squirt bottle?
That...led to some pretty hot action
Yeah,but that was¡ª that was like a month ago
-I t was? -Yeah.Listen,trust me
I don't quickly forget the day where I have sex with you plus squeezable meat
I¡¯m going to say thank you, although I¡¯m not sure why
All right.Let's do this
Excuse me
What was that?
What?I it¡¯s nothing. I¡¯m just working on a little cold,that's all
Yeah,ok.Look,um..
see...here's the thing. I -- I¡¯m doing this risk reward analys is in my head,
and I don't know.I mean,already I¡¯m picturing it's me having sex with,
like,1,000 of those tiny animated germ guys from the commercials¡ª
you know,with the helmets and the pickaxes And I -- I just,I ..
I think those guys are for foot fungus
Yeah.Well,either way,I¡¯m out
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Ok,from downtown for the win!
Man,there is nothing more electric than high schoolgirls' basketball
We should probably keep it down
I don't want Cofeld's wife coming down here and yelling at us like last time
Oh,no worries.She's not even here
She's ata bridal shower for her sister's Wedding or,should I say,"civil union."
What does that mean?
It means Denise is marrying Janet
Thanksgiving is about to get a whole lot easier for the only black guy in the family
So,how does that work? Like,one of them has a bridal shower,
and then the other one has, like,a bachelor party?
Do gay people even have bachelor parties?
I didn't have a bachelor party
Question asked,question answered
You didn't have a bachelor party? What happened?
Nothing.Just discussed it with Steph,
and we decided I¡¯m not really a bachelor-party kind of guy
Hold--hold on. You mean,Steph told you you're not a bachelor-party kind of guy
Every guy is a bachelor-party kind of guy
I it¡¯s a last taste of freedom before they cut off our cranberries and put ¡¯em in a jar
Yeah.Mine was crazy
We rented an R.V.And my brother got girls who knew gymnastics and stuff
You think that was crazy?
I¡¯m still wanted in the state of Delaware
I made out with a dude
Too bad those days are over
I don't know
We have someone here in our midst who never had a shot ata bachelor party
What do you say we right some wrongs?
Yeah,yeah I like what I¡¯m hearing
And I vote for an activity that include snaked girls
Or sea world
-I like my idea -All right
This is what we'll do.We'll get little dressed up,we'll grab a few drinks,
and,there's three of us here, so we could split the limo
-There's four of us -What?
Oh!Right,yeah Three¡¯s...there¡¯s four of us
I wasn¡¯t counting myself
So,what do you say?
Saturday night we'll do Jeff¡¯s bachelor party
Guys,uh,can I point outdone little flaw here?
I¡¯m not a bachelor I¡¯m already married
There's no way Steph would allow me to do this
And that¡¯s exactly why you do it You have to stand up for yourself
Your wife doesn't decide whether you're alwed to see other naked women
Actually,I think she does
I f it's noting our vows, I¡¯m pretty sureit was implied
You know what ?I give up Ok?Just forget it
Forgot that I was talking to Mr " I respectand love my wife" here
I it¡¯s--it¡¯s...really sad
So sad.Sad,sad,sad
Oh,wait,wait,wait Ok,all right
You guys want to throw me a bachelor party--
Let's have a bachelor party.All right
I¡¯m not gonna let my wife tell me what I can and can't do
You know what ? No.You're not doing this
Oh--you can't just say no!
But we've discussed this You're not a bachelor-party guy
No,no,no.You said I¡¯m not a bachelor-party kind of guy
and guess what?You don't get to decide
whether or not I¡¯m allowed to see other naked women
Uh,I sure as hell do
Yeah,I thought that sounded wrong
Come on!Let me have a bachelor party.Please?!
Ok,fine
Have your post-wedding bachelor party
-Have a great time. -I will
So--so,you're ok with it
Hey,can I get you a snack?
I love you
Ok,I¡¯m heading out
How's the cold?How's my little trooper doing?
I think I¡¯m dying
Oh,this one with the humor
Fantastic.Ok,look¡ª I got you a little pick-me-up
And it¡¯s with aloe, so your face won¡¯t bleed anymore,ok?
All right.I gotta get going- get this thing over with
Yeah,I¡¯m sure you're dreading going out and meeting a different women named cinnamon
Well,listen,tonight is for Jeff
And I just don't want to disappoint the youngster
Oh,please I heard you in the shower singing,
whoomp!There it is
All right,listen.I know on the outside,
it probably looks like this is the most excited I¡¯ve been in 3 years. But..
on the inside,there is no place I would rather bethanright next to you
So,just say the word,and I won't go
Don't go
You're serious?
-No.Go! -Okey-dokey.That's my gal!
Gentlemen,here we are--flesh gardens
Breathe it in,boys
I know on the outside,it probably looks like this is the most excited I¡¯ve been in 3 years
This is great
This is totally worth the constant, echoey silence that is now my marriage
Ok.You know what ?
Time to check the wife talking the lobby,ok?
And what do you say we lose the Indiana Jones hat?
No,Eddie,Eddie,this? This is my party hat
You would not believe the kind of action I¡¯ve seen in this hat
Uh-huh.Didany of it involve running from a giant boulder?
No.I f you must know,I wore this hat--
at the end of Casablanca when you had to get on that plane?
Just forget it,ok?
And don't mess withy party hat
I haven't seen a naked lady besides my wife in 20 years..
except on that dirty deck of cards I managed to save from childhood
I¡¯m extremely terrified right now
10 bucks.Ok,gentlemen No touching, groping,fondlingof the dancers
I f youdisrespectthe ladies, you will be removed by me
I believe that,my brother Come on. Give me a little--
All right I guess this isn't gonna happen
Ok,let's,uh...Let's go
Gentlemen,wedding rings off
All--all right.You know what? Let's go sit down.Right in front
Uh,anybody bring any singles?
I didn't know what these gals expect in tips, so,I went to the bank and took out $700 in ones
Yeah,I think you¡¯re good Ok,sit down
Oh,hey!What's up,fellas?
-Hey,there he is!Hey! -Hey,Cofeld
Ooh,let's get the party started!
Hey,guys!
You brought your wife?!
Oh,yeah,man It turns out she¡¯s into this kind of stuff
She's cool,man.She's cool!
Oh,my god,Eddie That one looks just like your daughter
Oh,please,god,no
Come in!
-Hi,joy. -Hey
Jeff saidyou weren'tfeeling well, so I thought I¡¯d pop over and see how you're doing
Oh,that's nice.Um..
pretty bad,yeah.Pretty contagious
Doctor said that A thing like this could just,you know,leap off of meand,grr!
Attack anybodywho's around me.So
oh!I¡¯m not worried about me
The most important thingis we get you healthy
I have some great homeopathicre medies here Oh,no,no.I¡¯m good
I was just about totake enough cold medicine to start a meth labin my belly
Yeah
You could take what all the big pharm aceutical companies have trained you to take,
or you couldlet nature heal you and put this stickup your nose
As soothing asthat sounds,um,
I¡¯m not reallythe greatest sick person
So,I hope that you'll forgive me for what I¡¯m about to say--get out
Ok
I was just...feeling a little bummed about
Jeff¡¯s skeevybachelor partyand I thought I couldcome over here and take careof you
But...feel better
Wait.Come back
You can't letthis thing with Jeff bother you
Ohh.Oh,why does he have to go to a strip club?
We have a great sex life
I¡¯ll do anything
I mean...anything
That's nice,honey
But Jeff is just like Eddie. He's a good guy
But even good guys occasionally feel the need to go out and act like complete dumb-asses
Come on.You've known Jeff a long time He must have done something like this before
Well,one time he had too much sugar
and said some pretty nasty things about Ronald Reagan in front of my grandpa
The point is--that,at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is that
Jeff gets called upon stage,a naked girl rides him like a horse,and they run off and start a new life together
Kidding!
I¡¯m kidding
Yeah,I guess you¡¯re right
Bless you Thank you
You know,I -- I really wish you'd try some of this stuff
I got this special tea from a lakot a Indian shaman
I it¡¯s good stuff..
like,not legal outside the Sioux nation good
I it¡¯ll bend your head, man
You get the tea going I¡¯ll put on dark side of the moon
I just don¡¯t understand why anybody likes this I mean, this is not erotic
I tsar billion-dollar industry Somebody likes something
This is my bachelor party,people Can we focus on the ladies?
All right,thank you.That was pleasant Now my hair's wet
Eddie,it's just water
What do you mean it's just--my whole head is wetland I¡¯m sitting under a vent
Knock,knock.Who's there? Pneumonia Come on in!
Here ya go
Get yourself somemore comfortable shoes
Ma'am,excuse me,but I think there should be a posting or some kind of warning if there's gonna be water in your act
So,it's your bachelor party
When are you getting married?
Oh,I actually got married 6 months ago This is like a do over
Isn't the whole point of a bachelor party to still be a bachel?
Could you switch places with the little bo peep?
She strikes me as less judgmental
Hey there,handsome
I¡¯m not comfortable here I can tell
Maybe you should take a little break and come with me to the champagne room
I s therechampagnethere? There's anything you want there
That sounds classy
Excuse me--Laura,Laura?
Oh,my god!Nicole!
You two know each other?
Yeah We did a mommy & me class together
Ok,this isn't good
So,how'slittle Michael? Oh,he's great
How is your baby boy? Oh,not a baby anymore
This is little Joshua and his grandfather taking a bath together
Adorable!
So,how did things work out with that breast pump?
not so good
You'll seein a minute
Ohh.Ok,uh,good night,everybody
Come on,let's go We're leaving?
I was just starting to enjoy this! Well,come on,honey
We'll talk all about it in the minivan
Thanks fo rbringing her by
God,I love this tea
I t makes me feel...unconquerable
Yeah
Hey,do you seethat hawkon top of the tv?
No
Wait..
no
I gotta be honest,Steph
I it¡¯s a little surprisingthat someone like youwould have tea like this
it's no big deal,really Just... after my freshman year of college,
I was hitchh iking through south dakota when I met thisnative american guy
He was super hot
Like,long,black hair. and really in shape
But not from the gym¡ª just from,like,climbing stuff
Anyway,we spent a pretty wild couple of weeks camping out
and before he left,he gave me these herbs
It didn't work out,but..
Every couple of months, I mail him 100 bucks
and he sends me more in a hollowed-out teddy bear
wow..And to think--when I first met you, I thought you werea nitwit
Yeah
And I thoughtyou werea real bitch
You know what else? What?Ha ha ha!
Check out this tattoo
Ha ha!Oh
Jeff thinks it's the native American symbol for serenity
But it eally means"john thunderclaw."
Oh,my god.There goes the hawk
I¡¯m actuallystarting to findstripping boring
I¡¯ve counted6 girls dancing nude with nicotine patches
Eddie,can you not talk about what¡¯s wrong with the strippers?
I don't ever want tohear again, "Hey,look.That one'sbalding."
Heh.Oh,oh,look! Something very naughtyis happening withy hat!
Maybe she cangive it to her friend and cover the bald spot
Oh,my god
Stan,what happened?
There's no champagne inthe champagne room..
only shame
I¡¯m gonna walk overto the airport to see if they have a 24-hour chapel
Well,I guess we shouldcall it a night,too What?
Eddie--the night's justgetting started! Hey,man,hey,what about--bachelor party?
Whoo!Yeah,well,you know what,Jeff ? I think this lookeda lot better on paper
I should have stayed homewith the sick wife
At least I know what diseases she has
Do you realize what I went through with the wifeto get this night?
You understandhow madSteph is at me?
You know,someonekeyed my car,and I thinkit was her
Yeah,well,you know what ? I¡¯m sorry about that
But the night's over,and besides¡ª my friends left
Oh,right.Right Your friends left
Come on.You know what I mean Yeah,yeah.I think I do
Let's just go
Uh...excuse me,miss? I¡¯m-- I¡¯m sorry
I love your act,but I was just on my way out, and I just needed to get my hat back
Hey,hey,hey! Put those hands down!
Sorry.I wasjust tryingto get my hat
You need to tryto get your assout of here
Uh,I -- I would love to
I it¡¯s just,the,um--the otheryoung lady with the tassels,she--she disappearedwith my hat
-So,if you'd beso kind as to- -excuse me
Can you just...get my friendhis hat back?
I think it's time forboth of you to leave
You'rea striking man..
amazing armsare like tree trunks
Do you use those,um,squishy, Springy hand things to...are you..
Eddie,uh,we could go I it¡¯s fine. Ok.We should.Yeah
Good time--terrific
Eddie,what are you doing?
-Hey,hey!Get down from there! -Leave me alone
-Get back here! -Leave me alone
-get back here! -No!
-You're hurting me! -No!
Get back here!
Run,woodcock!Run like the wind!
you don't thinkit makes me looktoo tall?
-I it¡¯s good!I it¡¯s good.O -ok
All right,now,listen
Remember,our wives have probably spent the entire Evening eating their cookie dough ice cream
And crying about What we've been doing tonight
All right?so,listen
No matter what happens,on the other side of this door,do not show the guilt
-Got it. -Ok
I don't know what happened here,buddy
But I think you¡¯re off the hook
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